MEMBERS ONLY

Today I am 1,040 days sober. If I divide that by 365 days, (using the calculator on my phone I hasten to add - long division was never my forte) the resulting answer is 2.849 years. My sobriety feels older now but also conversely new. I could compare it to a young woman trying on high heels for the first time. It can still feel strange and like trying on that new pair of high heels, it still feels like I wobble sometimes. But overall as I reflect on the past year, I am supremely proud of where I’ve got to, where I am now and where I am headed. And you should be proud too. Whether this has been your first sober Christmas or if like me you’ve got a couple under your belt, today I want to celebrate us all. Because we are doing the hardest thing, we are doing the bravest thing, and we are doing by far the best thing for our physical and mental health. By extension we are also doing our best for our families’ overall wellbeing. By choosing sobriety not just for the festive season but for each and every ordinary day, we are giving those nearest and dearest to us the greatest gift of all, we are giving them our pure undiluted presence.

The issue of expectations has been talked about and discussed within TABB meetings leading up to Christmas. Our own expectations around this festive season and others’ expectations of us. It can be a difficult time of year for many, particularly when our expectations do not meet our reality. Given the season that is in it, emotions and feelings can be heightened and the desire to create the perfect Christmas, cook the perfect dinner, wrap the perfect present, wear the perfect dress can lead to us feeling less-than and dissatisfied with our lot when reality doesn’t meet expectation. As I ran around on Christmas morning trying to find the Christmas tablecloth and matching napkins, I suddenly realised how I had bought into this ideal unbeknownst to myself and although the napkins on my table for Christmas dinner did not match, the world did not end! I realised that it didn’t matter, it really didn’t matter, the most important thing was the people gathered around the table, not whether they were all using the same patterned napkins. It is bizarre how we can all get carried away in some shape or form during this holiday season. I had thought I was immune to ‘all of that’ but it just goes to show how these preconceived ideas of perfection can creep in and before I knew it there I was fussing about napkins of all things.

And now, as I look out at the frost and the beautiful sunshine on this Saturday morning, I feel a sense of relief that Christmas day itself is over. For me, the day was a huge change from our usual Christmas day as we welcomed my father into our home for his first Christmas with us in many years. It was emotional, I always knew it was going to be. This time of year stirs up memories of Christmases and years past and amidst the sprouts and bread sauce, there were tears, but there was also happiness and laughter. And because I am no longer using alcohol to process these emotions, I am feeling them, all of them, and although this can feel overwhelming at times, I gain strength in not shovelling these emotions away. I am finally learning to trust myself again. And there was joy, there is joy present and waiting for me to notice it. In the new record player my husband and son got for me for Christmas; they remembered me mentioning I would like one months ago. In the way my son patiently explains to me how the record player needle works, like I am an old dinosaur from a forgotten age. But above all there is joy to be found in the easy comfort and simplicity of spending these days with the people I love.