Belonging...
It was hot, so hot I wondered how (in the name of all that is holy) would I survive the week ahead. I had travelled to London a few days before the TABB meet up with my family to experience some of the sights and sounds of this wonderful city. And London did not disappoint. From a fun visit to Madam Tussaud’s where we marvelled over the remarkable likenesses of the waxworks and took numerous selfies to a gorgeous night of live music with the 5-piece band Phoenician Blinds at the Pizza Express Jazz club in Soho. And also, a timely visit to put roses on my Mum’s grave in Maidenhead for her 25th anniversary, it was a complete feast for all the senses and about as far away as we could get from our little sleepy townland in County Clare. After an auspicious start checking in and then out again of a hotel without air conditioning, the days flew by in a flurry of iced coffees, visits for my son to the Warhammer store and wandering around Soho square as my son armed with his camera captured much of the city’s cultural offerings (and a few pigeons!).
And then it was time for the TABB meet up. Arrangements had been made to meet on Saturday morning for a river cruise on the Thames before gathering for an afternoon garden party in Chiswick. I travelled into London on Saturday morning with Maria and Roxy, the heat already building, and we parked in Chiswick spending a few moments outside the Italian deli that would be providing our food later that day. Outside the deli there was a cute little green car with its boot open stuffed full of artichokes, apples, oranges, squash and leafy carrots. We all posed for photographs with the veggie car narrowly avoiding the many runners and joggers who ran up and down the road without so much as breaking a sweat!
Outside the deli, regulars sat with their coffees in the shade looking vaguely surprised at the happy bunch of women exclaiming at it all. Above the deli entrance a diamond shaped sign proclaimed: “Grab & Go, the Best non-alcoholic spritz in town, Smiling wolf - non-alcoholic functional spritz at Mari Deli. – I smiled at the word functional.
In the past I have attempted to write and try and describe how surreal these meet ups can be. For much of the time, as a member of the TABB platform, we usually see women in zoom squares at online meetings, their faces being prominent and visible, sometimes their arms and their upper torso. We may even get to meet a pet or two wandering into the camera view at times. To actually meet these women in person feels odd with a strange sense of déjà vu because there is a feeling of knowing each other even though we might never have physically met each other.
Hanging on until the last minute for some late arrivals, an outside observer would have noticed a large group of excited, happy women busily catching up on all the news. As we cruised down the river, seeing the sights of London from a new angle, I felt relaxed and .happiness and joy bubbled inside me with the fizzy warmth of connection.
Some group photos and a slow dawdle to Chiswick and suddenly we had arrived at Angela’s stunning shared communal garden. A feast of flowers, bunting and beautiful pastel coloured honeycomb decorations whirling gently in the breeze. A gazebo was our saviour in the intense heat as we sat down to a table decorated with vintage china, antique lace tablecloths and whiter than white napkins. The food was fresh and light with gorgeous salads and fresh pasta flavoured with herbs and vegetables. There was an alcohol-free cocktail bar where for the first time, I didn’t have to ask for an alcohol-free option because everything was alcohol - free! Dr Zero Zero, Mother Root and something that tasted vaguely like mouthwash featured alongside all the alcohol-free prosecco a gal could wish for. One of the women kindly moved my chair so I wouldn’t get sunburnt and there we sat and laughed and talked like old souls meeting again after a long drought since our last gathering at Christmas.
Anything and everything were on the conversation menu. From a recent Take That concert, the Isle of Wight festival and holiday plans to more serious topics of how we were maintaining our sobriety. I learned about pineapples – more specifically if a pineapple is hanging upside down on a hotel room door, it means that you are advertising that you are a swinger – who knew!
But most of the time it felt weirdly like I was carrying on conversations that had already been started. And then there were the details - small anecdotal details that I would have mentioned briefly in meetings were remembered and noted and commented on. Warm fuzziness abounded - I felt seen and heard, I and both valued and loved. But I felt a deep sense of community and connection.
A young singer entertained us with her accompanying guitarist and strains of the jazzy song Summertime drifted out over the river as Sandra mimicked an opera singer while more sat quietly talking under the shade of the old trees. Breathing in and out I felt an overwhelming sense of belonging.
Katrina O’ Sullivan writes about belonging in a recent Substack post:
“Over the years, I realise that belonging isn’t something that simply happens to us. It is something we can gently build. Sometimes that means making the effort to go, even when every part of you wants to stay at home. Sometimes it means being patient and accepting that you won’t feel comfortable immediately. Real belonging rarely happens in the first five minutes, It grows over time, through shared conversations, familiar faces, and small moments of connection. It also means looking for what we have in common instead of searching for all the way we are different. The hardest lesson of all has been learning to show up as myself. Not the version of me I think other people will like. Not the polished version. Just me. Because pretending might help us to fit in for a while, but it never allows us to truly belong. Belonging only happens when people get to know who you really are. For me healing has not been waiting for the fear to disappear. It has been about choosing connection anyway. Walking into the room, starting the conversation. Being kind to myself when I feel out of place. Reminding my nervous system that I am no longer that frightened child scanning every room for danger. And every now and then, I realise something extraordinary: I stopped trying to prove that I belonged. And I simply did”.
As the evening sun cast a golden light, we slowly helped to clear up before bidding our farewells. We softened the blow of goodbye with talk of plans to meet up at Christmas in Manchester. Later as Maria, Roxy and I sat in Maria’s garden talking about the day, I felt tired but recharged by the wonderful day of connection. As TABB women we are all different, we all come from different corners of the world, with our own unique perspective and lived experience, but together we are united by one common objective – not to drink, to abstain from alcohol.
Little did I know when I took the first shaky step over three years ago that I would end up here - feeling a beautiful sense of belonging to a community of strong, empowered sober women. This sense of belonging has changed my life, and it means the world. For anyone reading this in early days, I would say to you that connection is key, and connection will keep you sober. Even when you don’t feel like it, especially when you don’t feel like it. Connect in person when you can because the accountability and sense of belonging that comes from meeting your sober friends and community will sustain you on the hardest days.
