MEMBERS ONLY

Yesterday I had an appointment with my therapist. She and I have had a long history, predating the birth of my son over 15 years ago. Sometimes when people ask me how long I have been seeing my therapist and I tell them, they laugh and there is often a sarcastic comment like “well that’s obviously working for you then!” But I really don’t care what anyone thinks about my commitment to being in long-term therapy. My relationship with my therapist is very important to me and depending on what’s going on in my life, the frequency of our appointments vary from weekly to monthly. I value my sessions with her not only because at this stage she knows me very well, but also because she helps me interpret and analyse things differently. Because of her own objectivity, she enables me to see the bigger picture through a wider lens because sometimes I am too close to the situation or too enmeshed in it to be able to see never mind think clearly about it. Yesterday we talked about the fact that I am nearly 3 years sober and she said she remembered all the energy I gave within and outside our therapy sessions to drinking; the endless questions of how much is too much?– 2 drinks, 3 drinks, 4 drinks?,  when should I drink? Monday Tuesday Wednesday or all the days?, and then of course there was the question I used to ask her constantly “Am I an alcoholic?”. As we reflected on the last few years, she asked me two questions; “Did I think three years ago I would be here today – sober and present?’. “Not in my wildest dreams” I replied, and the second question; “Where has all that energy gone that I put into my relationship with alcohol?”.  I considered the question carefully before answering “well, I finished my PhD, I concentrated on my family, my son, my father and….” I trailed off… “Yes, she replied, of course you did all of those things, but just look at how you have grown and changed – you have worked so hard on yourself”. It is bizarre that this change or growth is not what immediately came to mind, but of course this ‘work’ is indeed the biggest achievement that I should be celebrating within my sobriety. Because for years I was stuck, trying to hang onto the glass as if my life depended on it – well, my life did depend on it. When I took the drink away, I had no choice but to move forward and grow. At times I felt (and still fee!) like stamping my foot and saying “No! I don’t want to!”. There is comfort in the familiar, even conversely when the familiar is supremely uncomfortable. It is important for all of us to acknowledge how far we have come, and sometimes, in putting others before ourselves, particularly if we feel shame about how we have behaved towards them in the past, the mirror can get muddied as we scrabble around trying to ‘make it right’. We can all too easily dismiss ourselves but how would it be if we started first with ourselves by acknowledging and celebrating just how far we have come?